Redundancy and Mindfulness

It was my two month anniversary of being made redundant this week. It’s been on my mind a lot over the past few days. Not sure if it’s because I am yet to go out for a walk (combination of crappy weather and having a cold) or any other influence.

Most people who know me are now aware of my situation which is good because I was getting tired of hearing “Oh you’ll get another job quickly knowing you” or “It’s a great opportunity to really think about what you want to do” or “You can start up your own business doing x, y or z”.

Number 1 – I don’t want to be employed for the sake of being employed and nor do I need to be employed at the moment. What’s wrong with just being unemployed? Why is there such a stigma to not having a job? Yes I am in a very fortunate position where financially I don’t need a job but maybe it’s the fact I don’t really want one at the moment. Maybe it’s selfish (I know I do feel bad on occasions knowing my husband has to work so I don’t have to and that most of his wages now end up paying the bills) but can anyone really say they would pass up a chance to not be tied to a job for a while? That they didn’t have to worry about childcare arrangements, didn’t have to do the work commute every day, could enjoy some quality alone time really being present in the moment? Then call me selfish.

Number 2 – it’s really quite difficult to know what you really want in life. There’s relatively few people in life that really know that I think. The problem is that in my previous job, I really enjoyed it. I was getting good at it, I was starting to think I could really make a decent career in the industry I was in, I felt like I was part of something special. And it got taken away in the blink of an eye. The thing that’s really frustrating is that I still want that place to do well despite being completely shafted by the people in high places. If they rang up and offered me my old job back I would really have a hard time turning it down. So the only thing I know is that I would love to go back in time and somehow change the outcome so I didn’t lose my job. But I can’t do that. So now I have to come up with another dream and it’s hard when you still have the passion for something you can’t have. One thing that caught my eye was the possibility of doing a degree in outdoor adventure and environment at the University of Cumbria – it looked amazing, was exactly the sort of thing I was interested in. But as it turns out, if you already have a degree then the student loan company won’t give you another one. Sorry, you had your chance when you were 17/18 to pick a subject (because at that age you know what you want to do in life and it won’t ever change!). And you can forget a bursary if your household income is above a certain threshold. And private student loans? What, you have a mortgage and car payments? Denied! So at over £9k a year, it’s nothing but another pipe dream.

Number 3 – just to make this clear, I have zero interest in starting my own company. I just don’t have the drive but I shouldn’t be chastised for it. It’s great hearing about women who have had similar experiences to me and have completely changed their work and been self-employed. I’m just not one of those women.

So how does this all relate to mindfulness? At the moment, I am trying to meditate more and really want to make the most of this time off to really be present in the things I chose to do. One of those is fell walking, pushing myself to walk places I’ve never been on my own, to really enjoy being in this wonderful part of the world. And I think that’s starting to come together. I’ve been out every week up a fell I’ve never walked up since I decided that’s what I wanted to do. I’ve also signed up to volunteer with the National Trust – my first day is next week and I cannot wait. I’ve also signed up and waiting to hear back from other organisations that do work in the Lake District. And I am also doing more work at the allotment and taking more of a keen interest on how things should be done. A bit of a delayed enjoyment on this one – there’s a lot of hard work to be done at the moment and I have to wait for another month before I start doing all the sexy stuff but seeing it come together, fresh soil weeded, borders straightened up, it does give me a sense of satisfaction.

Also spending more time with my daughter. I feel like I have more time to play with her, do more things together and have more patience. I’m not rushed to get to the next thing or to get tea on before bed time. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times I also feel like we spend too much time together and my stern mummy voice makes an appearance. It’s a new routine we are both getting used to.

I know I need to let my anger go with regards my redundancy and I hope that by practicing being mindful, focusing on my new lifestyle I will eventually get there – but it’s a work in progress for now.